Faked it til I made it

 I was told you can spend anywhere from three days to a couple weeks at a mental health hospital for suicidal ideation and such. I had my reservations once I arrived there. I was already nervous and anxious. I'd never done it before. I was wondering what the other patients and caretakers thought of me being there. I guess they never really had an opinion. I'm not that interesting for others to think about what I'm doing in a place at any given time. It’s conceited of me to even think so.

They mentioned group therapy sessions when I first checked in. I thought it would be what it said on the tin: speaking with someone qualified and sharing our thoughts and experiences. But it was more of a recreational thing. We colored, played board games, listened to music the activity worker brought in, played cards, etc. There was never truly a therapy session with a licensed therapist. I think the closest we got was talking to the psychiatric doctor for about 5 minutes before he left to help another patient. He'd suggest medication and such. 

I got a bit stir crazy. Started to miss my family. They were supportive the entire time. I wanted to go back to a familiar setting. So I did my best to seem okay. It worked. I was sent home after 72 hours. I have to say I even fooled myself into thinking I was okay. I went home with the resolve to make my life a much more positive one where I could cope with depression.

It didn't last long. Because now I'm here in bed, typing this junk out and being depressed all over again. I resolved to stop talking about my depression to anyone, because that's incredibly draining on people and toxic for me to do. It's hard keeping it inside, but I shouldn't be talking and griping about it so often. Even my friend said that it's a turn off to people. And I suck when it comes to people. I feel like I have to try twice as hard to make people find me somewhat tolerable. And my depression won't help that factor. Yeah, it's killing me slowly inside and eating away at me, but I have no choice. I have to keep it up

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