Keep whining, asshole

 I hate this. This was my idea and it's like everyone is acting like I'm not even there talking. Why do I feel so ignored and alone among friends? Do they even see me as friends? I feel like I'm the third wheel. They're making plans around me and I'm just along as transportation. It's taking everything in me not to tell them that I can't make it. It'd be better if I wasn't there. It's always better when I'm not there

I used to be really close with my cousins when we were younger. We all played, wanted to spend as much time together as possible, and begged our parents for sleepovers or to stay over just a little bit longer. I was always so excited to see my cousins. As we grew older, we grew more apart. But all my cousins grew closer to one another. They're less like cousins to each other and more like siblings. They love each other so much and so deeply. They're in each other's wedding parties, naming children after one another, and always inviting each other to their kids' birthday parties. But I'm just...there. I'm a distant cousin. I'm barely recognized, hardly acknowledged, and always forgotten. I post on social media that I feel out of place/annoying to my extended family, and they all say they love me. But do they like me? The answer is a resounding "no". The evidence is there. I can read the room. I remember one cousin quickly closing the door behind me

I need to come to terms with it; the TWRP fandom and a good portion of people I called friends have blacklisted me. In stream chat, everyone loves on each other when they donate. When I do so, chat goes quiet. Everyone stops talking. But when the next person donates, everyone goes back to loving each other. When I try to reach out, I get left on read, less than enthusiastic responses, or brushed off. As someone who has been ignored, excluded, and abandoned all my life; this hurts. I should be used to it by now. Every relationship I have is on a timer, and they end eventually. But it still hurts so bad. All I want to know is why. What did I do? What was the straw that broke the camel's back? I just need a straightforward answer. I want to know. I want to learn from my mistake. I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I'm crying and losing sleep. My rejection sensitivity is immense, and it's killing me inside. Maybe it's a sign. I'll always be left behind. I'll always

 I had a terrible dream last night. My ex was in it. They were abusing me, manipulating me, and gaslighting me. I tried to block them out in my dream. They disappeared for a while, but they remained as an invisible person. I sat somewhere and I heard my ex yelling at me and shoving me out of my seat. It was far too vivid. I hadn’t dreamt about them before then. I really hope it’s not a sign that they’re going to be coming back into my life. I don’t want anything to do with them. 

I think it's been this way for as long as I can remember. People make plans around me and I'm just standing there like some entitled loser waiting to be invited. Which is wrong. People can have plans. People can choose not to invite me. They're having fun on their own terms, and inviting people who they want to be there. Yet my dumbass acts all pissy and hurt when I'm not invited along. But to be fair; it'd be best if I wasn't invited along for multiple reasons. Biggest reason being I'm awkward as hell, and I'm not a liked presence. I'm tolerated. And I really, really, don't want to be the recipient of  "oh, you can come too, I guess." because that would not be fair to the other person. I don't want them to feel like they have to invite me to save face. I totally and completely understand if they don't want me along. They are valid for thinking that way. I'm just not a pleasant person to be around, and I'd hate myself f

I have the worst ideas. I'm so annoyingly obnoxious. I'm so entitled and whiny. I'm just waiting for the day that people get fed up with me and ghost me. And they'd be so right to do so. I'm so upset and disgusted with myself I can barely think. I'm just going to lay down and cry myself to sleep for the next 18 hours I hope