Keep whining, asshole

I need to come to terms with it; the TWRP fandom and a good portion of people I called friends have blacklisted me. In stream chat, everyone loves on each other when they donate. When I do so, chat goes quiet. Everyone stops talking. But when the next person donates, everyone goes back to loving each other. When I try to reach out, I get left on read, less than enthusiastic responses, or brushed off. As someone who has been ignored, excluded, and abandoned all my life; this hurts. I should be used to it by now. Every relationship I have is on a timer, and they end eventually. But it still hurts so bad. All I want to know is why. What did I do? What was the straw that broke the camel's back? I just need a straightforward answer. I want to know. I want to learn from my mistake. I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I'm crying and losing sleep. My rejection sensitivity is immense, and it's killing me inside. Maybe it's a sign. I'll always be left behind. I'll always...

 I had a terrible dream last night. My ex was in it. They were abusing me, manipulating me, and gaslighting me. I tried to block them out in my dream. They disappeared for a while, but they remained as an invisible person. I sat somewhere and I heard my ex yelling at me and shoving me out of my seat. It was far too vivid. I hadn’t dreamt about them before then. I really hope it’s not a sign that they’re going to be coming back into my life. I don’t want anything to do with them. 

I think it's been this way for as long as I can remember. People make plans around me and I'm just standing there like some entitled loser waiting to be invited. Which is wrong. People can have plans. People can choose not to invite me. They're having fun on their own terms, and inviting people who they want to be there. Yet my dumbass acts all pissy and hurt when I'm not invited along. But to be fair; it'd be best if I wasn't invited along for multiple reasons. Biggest reason being I'm awkward as hell, and I'm not a liked presence. I'm tolerated. And I really, really, don't want to be the recipient of  "oh, you can come too, I guess." because that would not be fair to the other person. I don't want them to feel like they have to invite me to save face. I totally and completely understand if they don't want me along. They are valid for thinking that way. I'm just not a pleasant person to be around, and I'd hate myself f...

I have the worst ideas. I'm so annoyingly obnoxious. I'm so entitled and whiny. I'm just waiting for the day that people get fed up with me and ghost me. And they'd be so right to do so. I'm so upset and disgusted with myself I can barely think. I'm just going to lay down and cry myself to sleep for the next 18 hours I hope

 I was told you can spend anywhere from three days to a couple weeks at a mental health hospital for suicidal ideation and such. I had my reservations once I arrived there. I was already nervous and anxious. I'd never done it before. I was wondering what the other patients and caretakers thought of me being there. I guess they never really had an opinion. I'm not that interesting for others to think about what I'm doing in a place at any given time. It’s conceited of me to even think so. They mentioned group therapy sessions when I first checked in. I thought it would be what it said on the tin: speaking with someone qualified and sharing our thoughts and experiences. But it was more of a recreational thing. We colored, played board games, listened to music the activity worker brought in, played cards, etc. There was never truly a therapy session with a licensed therapist. I think the closest we got was talking to the psychiatric doctor for about 5 minutes before he left to...

 I honestly should have ended it long ago. But I kept keeping on in hopes that they would change. After all, they;'ve both said it themselves; I'm like a sibling to them, and their children view me as part of the family, as I've been watching them, caring for them, and loving them ever since they both were babies. This friendship is almost 5-6 years in the making. When we first met, we bonded over geeky stuff. When the mom was about to have her baby, I watched the other one while she and her husband went to the hospital. When my mental health began to take a turn for the worse and resulted and self destructive tendencies, they both opened up about their own mental illnesses. They even spent the night at my house to check in on me when I had a breakdown and ran from their car when they dropped me off. The two of them were the reason I started to be more open about my mental health, and the reason I started to seek help. It was like that for a while. We were all chill. But th...

 Decided to make an electronic journal to get my thoughts out. So here it is!